Forgiveness Brings Freedom
The following is an excerpt from my new book to be released this summer Victorious Achievers: Create Your Personal Roadmap to Fulfill God’s Vision for You, Overcome All Obstacles, and Step Into Your Greatness! Before we can begin our journey on our Biblical Roadmap to Freedom For a Higher Purpose, I discuss one of the items of baggage that can hinder us.
Because unforgiveness is a huge detriment to us moving forward, I want to discuss this process in detail. The need to forgive sometimes can be an hourly or a daily process. Most people are not taught that once you forgive, you need to commit to never bring up that episode again—either verbally or in your thoughts. Without this step, you end up rehashing how you were hurt in your past (even if it was this morning) and how you were done wrong (the victim mentality).
Are you holding on to anger and hurt from your upbringing, current relationships, your circumstances, financial problems, health issues, etc.? You may feel that you’re not ready to forgive the people who hurt you. However, you can’t let your feelings make decisions for you. This act of forgiveness isn’t for the benefit of those who hurt you, it’s for you. If you wait until your feelings tell you it’s time to forgive him or her, you will be waiting a long time, as well as wasting a lot of your life that could be lived from a better place of peace and purpose.
In our effort to become more like Christ, we model how He acts. When we do something wrong, we ask God to forgive us. How soon does God forgive us? Immediately! And He forgets the incident forever.
As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us (Psalm 103:12).
For I will be merciful and gracious toward their sins and I will remember their deeds of unrighteousness no more (Hebrews 8:12).
I’m not always successful to immediately forgive someone who hurt me and immediately take control of my emotions to stop rehashing the hurt, but I’m getting better.
Forgiveness Brings Freedom
To turn our focus from the past, or from today’s problems, to the future requires us to let go of some of the ugly stuff we’ve been hanging on to for many years, or even just the last few months. Without forgiveness, we will always have a string tied to our past, holding us back from reaching the fulfilled, purpose-filled life.
“I will never forgive him until he pays for what he did to me!” These words spew out of our mouths and turn our stomachs into knots. We carry a grudge (known as bitterness), sometimes for years, and wonder why we can’t enjoy life. Our tendency is to rehash the wrong that was done to us, not for the purpose of designing retaliation, but because it feels good to do so. While the person who hurt us carries on with his or her life unaware of our grudge, we let our bitterness smolder like ashes, and at times fan them into a full-blown blaze. This festering wound in our spirit can only be healed by forgiving that person.
We also use what another person (whether it is a family member, friend, boss, or a politician) has done to us as an excuse for our current behavior. I am not denying the pain and hurt we endured, but we are responsible for our behavior, despite how others act. When bad things were done to us as children, we did not know how to properly react. Now, as adults, we are responsible for our current behavior. Sometimes that involves forgiveness and restoration.
Definition of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is the act of setting someone free from an obligation to us that is a result of a wrong done to us. It also entails a commitment not to bring up again the wrong that was committed.
To fully understand forgiveness, it helps to know what it is not. It does not mean that what the person did was okay. It does not mean that with time the memory will go away (the pain will, but not the memory). It does not mean there won’t be any consequences for the bad behavior.
Forgiveness is also not based upon our feelings. I hear many people say, “I’m not ready to forgive that person.” They’re waiting for their feelings to tell them that it’s okay. Those feelings rarely come. Even in the midst of the tremendous hurt we may be going through, we must forgive the person who hurt us now.
Our hurt will be healed by our forgiving that person and moving on with our own life, not by our withholding forgiveness.
Types of Forgiveness and the Process
We want to hang on to the memories and let our feelings fester to their fullest fit of turmoil. We want the other person to pay for their mistake. However, reality shows that we are the ones who suffer, while the other person hasn’t a clue of how hurt we are over the situation. Part of this healing process is learning to forgive.
Forgiving Others
Forgiveness is a choice. It’s a decision we make based upon our desire to improve our life, not based upon our feelings. If we wait until we feel like forgiving people, we may never forgive. How soon after an event are we to forgive? Immediately. However, we don’t immediately forget the event when others hurt us, but we can learn to allow the painful emotion to lessen over time.
Forgiveness is a process. Once we make the initial decision to forgive someone, we must decide whether we need to verbally tell that person we forgive them, or whether our internal decision is sufficient. This decision will be determined by the individuals involved and the circumstances. Dealing with our personal emotional pain should not bring additional emotional pain to others.
After our act of forgiveness, when the memories surface, we must immediately remind ourselves we have forgiven that person. We are to stop our thought process from rehashing the event and stirring our emotions into a frenzy. This thought process is where most people enjoy replaying the event in their mind and allowing themselves to feel justified for their reactions (both mentally and physically) to the hurt. Some don’t want to let go of the memory and the hurt. They want to hold it as an ace for when that person hurts them again, then they can recall all instances of hurt to attack the person. Sound familiar spouses?
This process is not easy nor is it a one-time event. Sometimes it takes years for the pain from the memories to completely go away. Notice I didn’t say the memories will go away. Hopefully, the memories stir us to become better people because of what happened to us and the lessons we learned from them.
What we turn our thoughts toward is important. Instead of dwelling upon other problems we may have, our goal is to direct our energy toward our future. Involvement in a project big enough to immerse ourselves in is what we’re looking for. This will be discussed in Part 2 of this book.
Seeking Forgiveness
When we become aware that we have hurt someone, we are to go to that person as soon as possible and ask that person to forgive us.
This perspective differs from the above section on forgiving others. In that scenario, a person has hurt us and has not asked us for forgiveness. Here is a scenario under this section that we may not recognize: as a child, our parents did something that caused us great pain, and over the years we developed bitterness toward our parents. This bitterness now affects our relationship with our parents. As an adult, we are to forgive the things done to us as a child.
Depending upon our relationship with our parents, we need to ask our parents for forgiveness for the bitterness we have or had toward them. However, if doing so would make things worse (i.e., they are unaware you are bitter toward them, nor do they know why), then it may not be a good idea to verbally tell them you forgive them. An alternative is to write out your request for forgiveness, detailing the reasons, so you can get it out of your mind for good, and then tear up the paper.
Forgiving Ourselves
What I see a lot of today is not giving or receiving forgiveness and staying stuck in the realm of feeding upon our guilt and also the sympathy we get from others. We enjoy our pity-parties. However, they lead to self-hatred every time we try to do better and we fail. We are the hardest person on ourselves. It’s time to stop looking at the negative and start living in the positive. Forgiving ourselves is the first step to let go of this bondage we find ourselves in.
Restoring Relationships
After forgiveness has been given or received, we are to take the initiative to restore broken relationships. It’s up to the other person whether he or she will accept our attempt at reconciliation. A lot of time should not elapse between the time of the hurtful event, our forgiveness, and our attempts at reconciliation. The more time allowed to pass, the harder hearts become–both ours and the other person’s.
Restoration efforts should have the proper motivation and attitude. We are to lay aside our selfish desires and to love others unconditionally. Thus, our motivation is to put others ahead of our own desires. Because of our right motivation and our outpouring of our love, miracles can happen.
Hindrances to Forgiving
If you feel like something inside is stopping you from seeking forgiveness, review the following hindrances and see if any of them apply to you.
Pride. Forgiving others may make us appear weak. We also enjoy the attention and sympathy we receive from others who know we’ve been wronged.
Control. We want to make sure the person is punished, in case God forgets. We won’t release the person into God’s hands.
Ignorance. We’ve not been taught how to respond to hurts and painful situations. We find it difficult to forgive because we haven’t experienced others forgiving us.
The Keys to Forgiving
One of the keys to a forgiving spirit is to see the freedom it will bring us, and perhaps a restoration of the relationship.
A second key is that we have to want to change. We must want to rid ourselves of the guilt, allow peace to fill us and then move on with our life.
Results of Forgiveness
When we think of forgiving others we usually don’t think of the benefits and how our life will be changed for the better.
Freedom from bondage. We have instant freedom from our internal turmoil. Our bitterness is gone. We don’t feel tied to our past any longer.
Pain from memories begins to fade. As we let go of our grip on the past, the pain from our memories begins to fade. As the pain lessens, we spend less time dwelling upon our past.
We see the forgiven person in a different light. We can slowly change how we feel towards the person we forgave.
Possible reconciliation. Relationships now have the freedom to grow and develop into healthy, loving relationships.
As you can see from the above, forgiveness is something we must do to get rid of the bitterness, resentment and anger. This is something we must do daily, even for the small things that people do that affect us.